Options

I had been in and out of relationships.

I actually stopped counting when I realized that I only have ten fingers in both of my hands. Although, I initially tried counting the strands of my hair, but just like what you can imagine, it was tedious, so I stopped.

Relationships, for me, are the very essence of man’s existence. They shape us into the very person we are right now. Though, some people value relationship at different degrees, I am almost certain, that one can never survive the cruelty or the challenges (depending on your point of view) of life without going through a relationship.

A friend told me after our drinking session that dating is just like “keeping his options open”. With too much alcohol streaming all over my body, I passively agreed not really knowing what he actually meant.

When I woke up the next day, when all of the alcohol had been flushed into the toilet bowl, I remembered what he told me. Relationships as options.

“Options for what?” I asked.

Then after discussing the matter with myself, I suddenly felt bad.

Were I just an option to the people I had intimate relationships with? Was this the very same reason why I always end up by myself, alone, after days and months of passionately dating?

Despite the playful image my friends would normally attach to my persona, I would consider myself a serious lover. I give my all until it terribly hurts which probably explain why I always feel exhausted, if not totally consumed, right after an ugly break-up. Relationship for me is the bread and butter of life. Without it, life would be nothing but a lonely journey.

Oftentimes, right after a break-up or a separation, I usually would point accusing fingers on me. Partly hating myself for blowing up a potential life-long commitment.

Never did I imagine that I could have been right, instead of me being always wrong.

What if the other sees the relationship just like another simple option, while I see it as a loving intimate commitment? Would I still be taking the blame… or at least hating myself for not loving more?

Options may come in different forms. Others may see relationships as a life-long ticket for bottomless beer and endless parties. For some, it is a great, free and no-string-attached sex. But no matter how we see relationship, it is everything but option.

Options are the menus we take every time we dine in a fancy restaurant… a multiple choice questions we take in a quarterly exam… but not in relationships.

We date and we fall in love primarily because we feel the need of it… of having someone to stand next to us whenever life gets tough. We do not go out there, look for someone and then hope that probably s/he is one of the many options life can offer.

Relationships, just like people, are never a touch-and-go or hit-and-run situation. In life, you either touch or go, hit or run.